don’t u wish ur girlfriend was sad like me

why am i crying right now *murder your memory by title fight plays on repeat in the background*

it is no secret that i am sad.  in fact, if u were to ask me, i’d probably tell u that i like being sad.  it is simply a part of my personality at this point. i don’t know who i’d be if i weren’t sad.  it is a necessary component of accomplishing anything for me.  i cannot think of a time that i created anything because i was happy.  it just doesn’t have the same weight as stuff that i come up with when i’m in my feelings. give me drama!  give me heartbreak!  give me deeply rooted self esteem issues!  give me skins uk seasons one and two!

my sadness has never been something that i am very good at dealing with (i am not good at dealing with anything in a healthy manner really).  this is perhaps because it comes at me from many different angles, and when it does come at me, i’m like “word!  time to be miserable!”  i don’t think this is necessarily a badddd thing.  i think everyone deserves a good mourning period; mine r just very extensive and intense and reoccurring…and brought on by myself most of the time. when i am sad, i only want to make myself moresad.  at this point i even have a bit of a routine:

-sad music (this is easy if u were emo af in high school like me and never truly got out of that phase; brand new, tigers jaw, citizen, basement, title fight, moose blood, etc. are great mood setters) (honestly?  we could even throw some lil uzi vert in here)

-look at instagram accounts that make me say “gross” but also “i felt that :’( “  (badkissings, okaymiserable, goddamn.333, secondsapart are a good place to start) (pls don’t come for me for these i know they r very high school tumblr-ish but i promise there is some gold there just dig deep)

-lay in bed staring at the ceiling with ankles crossed and hands folded across stomach (this is ULTIMATE being sad position)

-dr. pepper and strawberry sour straws (a necessity for any mood tbh)

-sad movie (gaspar noe’s “love”.  PERIOD. the only movie anyone should ever need)

now u might think this is counterproductive.  it is! i’m just not ready to give up my sadness quiteyet (i have a senior thesis to come up with y’all). there r many points throughout my life where i have felt happiness; they just don’t punch me in the face like being sad does.  when happiness starts to feel like a punch in the face, maybe i will finally put my emo tendencies to rest (this is unlikely #emo4ever).  until then, *insert “sad pensive face” and “sign of the horns” emojis*          

i have no confidence

this summer (2019) has so far left me feeling as if i am, quite frankly, completely wasting my life. in other words, my hot girl summer has been more of a sad girl summer.  the past few weeks i have spent my time thinking about ways i could possibly address this.  therapy? large amounts of alcohol and bagel bites?  as a college student in new york city, these things (or really, most things) are out of budget.  the solution came to me on a thursday near 23rdst as i ran past a woman yelling “miss?  miss! MISS!” at me from her folding chair outside of her storefront advertising a $10 special.  who better to solve my ongoing sense of void than a groupon psychic?

i first went to a psychic the summer of 2017.  i was on vacation with my family in jersey.  a blonde woman read my left palm.  this time around, two years later, i wanted to have my tarot cards read.  i found a groupon for $25 for a tarot reading AND a palm reading.  a week later i headed to the upper east side to a door number four with a broken buzzer.

this was my first experience having my tarot cards read.  i pulled 18 cards out of the spread and she flipped them over in threes.  in general, my reading was fairly accurate, but two specific things stuck with me, the first being: “u have no confidence.”

as these words came out of her mouth, i was like ok tru but why u gotta be so loud?  i know i have very little to no confidence, i don’t need someone else to tell me that.  surprisingly she was able to pinpoint exactly where in my past this was coming from (more on that later, perhaps.  idk probably not actually.)  in short, i love how men continue to make me feel like i’m nothing!  haha!  this leads me to the other sticking point: “u are destined for love.”

anyone who knows me or my work knows that i am absolutely enthralled by the idea of love.  i love love!…even though i have yet to experience it.  i have loved people, sure, but i don’t think i have ever been ~in love~ with someone. as she glances over at the swords i’ve pulled (i pulled almost exclusively swords lol), she tells me i’ve been searching for love but my energy is so strong that no one can match it. like, FACTS!!!!!!  no wonder these men always bail after a couple of months, they don’t stand a chance against my POWER; however, this seems a little contradictory since i have no confidence.  so, what is the moral of the story then?  i think perhaps this psychic was trying to tell me that while i might be destined for love, it is really, and i mean REALLY, far away.  in short, i am single and probably not ready to mingle. i’m still gonna mingle tho.  i need it for my #art           

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